Pennsylvania Mine Complex, Colorado

Went 4-wheeling with a friend a couple weekends ago.  I'm amazed at how much is left of these old 1880s mining camps; some were in operation into the 1940s even!

Tubular steam boiler

Tram house on mountain behind the Mill.

Am I okay?

No, I'm not really okay, but I'm doing what I can to stay afloat. Moving the first time put me so far behind on bills that I can't get caught up. The mortgage company is still working on my loan modification, but I found out yesterday while talking with them that I have to be LIVING IN the house. So I told them I was and booked a mover. I'm breaking my lease, but the landlord said if they can get someone to rent the apartment then I'll be okay. I know the 3-bedroom apts. go fast, so I'm not really worried about that. But I'll be rent-free until the modification goes through and can get caught up on bills and maybe even save some for an emergency. I'm very sad about Phil moving to Phx. His parents bought a house there for him to live in and he's supposedly paying them rent. The boys really need him here. I need him here. Logan had a melt down this morning becuase he didn't like the socks I picked out for him to wear and we had no others for him. He wouldn't get in the car, my daughter was pissed that I was going to leave him there so I could go to work, so SHE had a melt down. Finally got him in the car and to the daycare where he refused to get out of the car. I'd go to the back seat to get him, he'd hop to the front seat. And back and forth, back and forth. I finally dragged him out of the car and got him inside where they quickly baricaded the front door with a big burly "woman" to keep him from escaping. He attached himself to my leg and I dragged him (and my leg) down the hall to his classroom where I managed to escape myself. I'm surprised I didn't hear him screaming all the way to work. It would have been very nice to call Phil and ask him for help. I may not want to have sex with the man, but he is my best friend, ya know? We helped each other. Now there is no helping each other. He's gained probably 15 lbs. since his heart attack a few months ago. I worry about him. Luckily my family is there if he needs anything. They all love him, so that's good. I was crying to my mom last night and she said that Phil and my dad sat in the living room one night when he was there for work and just cried about the whole situation. So that confuses me more. Maybe we could have worked on things, I wanted to. I don't know. But we can't co-parent and have 50/50 parenting time when he's 900 miles away. We moved here because it's a better place to raise the kids. So why he's moved back to AZ and wants the boys I'm not sure. His parents have paid for a Court and Family Investigator to decide where the best interests of the boys lie - with me, or him. so I may end up "losing" the boys for 9 mos. out of the year. I'm hoping for the best. So that's my story. :)

Text to the Ex

You know how you said that Green Day song Time Of Your Life was what hit you ... It's always reminded me of a friend's memorial service after he took his own life in the desert outside of Phx.  Anyhow, the song that has made me rethink things (albeit too late), was Live Like You Were Dying  by Tim McGraw.  I was almost crying at the concert like a big baby.  "...I loved deeper, and I spoke sweeter, and I gave forgiveness I'd been denyin'" ... that really hit home.  And "to live like you were dyin', like tomorrow was the end, and ya got eternity to think about what to do with it, what should you do with it, what can I do with it, what would I do with it."  I'm going to make the best life I can for my kids.  I'm going to be here for them.  I'm going to go to school plays and if the boys wanna play football (god forbid) mama will be in the stands for every game with a big foam finger on.  I don't know how you'll do it being so far and missing all that.  THAT would be enough stress to kill me.  I guess you're tougher than I thought.  To me, Time of Your Life is an exit song.  Now it will be the boys exit song for you.  And I'll always think of that when I hear it...better than thinking of a friend commiting suicide I guess... You will be missed just as much, if not more. XOXO

Fail!

Okay, so I thought I was going to be WAY better at blogging.  I kept thinking, "I'll use it as a diary of sorts and write down my feelings every day!"  Not so much.  Life gets away from me sometimes.  Things are very hectic right now and I would rather play on FrontierVille than blog.  So here I am at work, not working.  Blogging.  Lots of things to blog about really ...

Phil took a job in Phoenix.  So by the end of October the boys won't have an activley participating father.  He says he'll still be a steady part of their life, but really, how?  By seeing them for 6 weeks in the summer and a couple weeks during the year.  I think not.  I'm sure the intentions are good, but the best laid plans of mice and men ....  We have a hearing tomorrow to see if the judge will lift the Protective Order.  I didn't ask for the P.O., but I'm told it's "standard procedure" when the police are called on a domestic issue.  It's very difficult to deal with two children when you can't have contact with their father.  So we shall see.  Then on the 31st we go to court again to establish some sort of child support/maintenance.  Hopefully I'll get a few bucks to make living a little easier.  And hopefully he can go 4-wheeling with me on Saturday.  I may be divorcing him because he sucks as a husband, but he's a good friend nonetheless.

Got an eviction notice yesterday.  I was in a panic.  We sold the trailer and Phil was paying me $1500 from it to cover the negative equity I had to pay on the Ford we traded in, but until the loan was "funded" by the bank for my new vehicle he doesn't have the money to pay me.  Well, in a pinch he managed to get $700 for me to add to the measly $100 I had so I could pay the rental office and avoid being out on our ears.  I'm really hoping to get back on track soon.  This lack of money shit sucks big hairy ass.

So anyhow, the 2006 Nissan Altima was just too small for us.  There really wasn't much room for the unlucky kid who had to sit in the back seat between the boys in their booster seats.  I can't say I blame the girls for not wanting to sit back there, but no one ever volunteered to ride in the trunk so they had no right to complain.  And they didn't want to go see cars when I picked it out, so how was I to know if they'd all fit in the back.  So I got a 2007 Jeep Grand Cherokee.  The payment is probably more than I should be spending, but I figure I can cut costs somewhere else.  I hope.... The stress goes on.

First Grey Hair

Really?

I asked for help.

Okay, so I have decided to blog.  This generations "journaling."  Journaling hurts my hands.

Background:  I am in the middle of a divorce and have gone from a household income of $150k a year to less than $50k.  From a large house to a 3-bedroom apartment.  Me and four kids; 13, 11, almost 6 and 4.

Yesterday I went to the Jeffco Action Center to apply for help.  I was searching online for information about any type of financial aid I may qualify for and came across the JAC.  They had a blurb on their site about school supply distribution.  Money is at a negative right now (literally) so I worry about getting three of my four kids ready for school.  So I went in.  Swallowed my pride and did it.  it ends up I can recieve school supply help, food, clothing ... amazing.  I have a new respect for those who help the less-fortunate.  AND the less-fortunate, now that I am one of the millions.  And at least the two kids I had with me do, too.  They went through their toys and clothes last night so they could donate!!  Makes me proud that they want to help.  And I'm even going through my books (GASP!), clothing, and household items to donate to them also.  The JAC had books and stuffed animals available for childrent to just take home with them.  And books for adults to have.  I was in awe at how slick their operation moved.

http://www.jeffcoac.org/

So I went home with a shit ton of food.  They said it was a 5-day supply, but I think it was more.  Beans, rice, pasta, peanut butter, vegetable oil, tuna, canned fruit, a variety of bread, a cherry pie, a lemon cake, macaroni and cheese, fresh fruit and veggies, a pound of ground beef, soup, a whole chicken, cereal, cheese.  It was really something.  At least I know we won't go hungry.  We can only go six times a year, but it will be plenty of help.  One less thing to worry about.

I was really hoping this blog would be interesting, besides being a way for me to get my thoughts and feelings out there.  So far, not so good.  Better luck next time ....